We are happy to announce that we're teaming up with myonlineme.com so that you can buy Sprunk in VIRTUAL REALITY! Think about it, children of America; why spend billions of dollars on manufacturing soda and marketing campaigns when we can throw some banners on websites like myroomonline.net or online virtual communities like myonlineme.com where people control little virtual avatars in virtual worlds all day? How great will it be when your avatar can buy and drink virtual Sprunk, then get really virtually fat and never get any ass? Just like you! We are extreme!!!! And radical! In fact, most of us snowboard!

Our television commercials feature hip hop stars rapping about how soda makes you better at sports and more attractive to the opposite sex. Our subliminal product placements brainwash you into believing that a bottle of sugary cancer juice is a status symbol.

We have our finger on the worryingly-fast pulse of popular culture. We understand you. We are there for you. We breakdance! Our logo is on everything in the world. We won't let you down like your divorced parents and hands-on teachers. Even when a daily diet of sugar and caffeine has turned you into a blind, toothless, 400lb diabetic with the bone mass of a newt, Sprunk will still be there with a catchy jingle and a celebrity endorsement to brighten up your day so you don't cry! It is the essence of life. We can slam dunk! And we wear baggy clothes!

Sprunk is carbonated water bursting with glucose, guarana, caffeine, pesticides, benzene and just enough alcohol to take the edge off. Full of fruit (synthetic additives) and fiber (high fructose corn syrup), Sprunk is only 800 calories a can! We are proud to have played such a prominent role in the burgeoning obesity epidemic. Thanks to Sprunk, high schools are now full of paranoid, hyperactive psychopaths who spend their nights hallucinating and exhibiting violent behavior and their days asleep at their desks with a burning desire to urinate every two minutes. Mood swings, panic attacks and high blood pressure…all before puberty! We understand you! We know social networking!

Sprunk can also be used to clean the rust off your car or to strip barnacles off the bottom of a ship. Simply provide us with your name, address, social security number, credit card number, ATM pin code, mother's maiden name and date of birth.